The Gundam Beauty Pageant|
by Charon the Sabercat
I had to put it in. I haven't tried it yet, but the Mythbusters dudes did it, and, dude, it was sooooo flippin' fuuunnyyyyyyyyyyyy!
There hasn't been enough humor in the fic lately. Let's fix that.
Chapter 29 - Chapter 30 - Chapter 31
The Gundam Beauty Pageant|
30. I saw this on Mythbusters the other day, it was sooo cool...
Talgeese walked outside just in time to see Guneagle pulling a bottle of Diet Coke out of his pocket (… don't ask…). He was in a particularly bad mood, but lightened up a bit when he saw the glittering, cool drink. “Oh, good, I'm thirsty.”
“It's not to drink, spazz,” said Guneagle. “Ashuramaru?”
Ashuramaru took the bottle and kneeled on the ground, surrounded by bits of PVC pipe. “This is going to be funny…”
Talgeese cocked his head, taking a quick glance at Guneagle's rump along the way (shapely, but small). “What is?”
Guneagle turned around. “You ever been on the Internet?”
Talgeese shook his head. Guneagle pulled out another bottle of Diet Coke. “Ash, I choose you!… to hand me a Mentos.”
Ashuramaru growled and popped a Mentos out of one of his hands, flipping it to Guneagle like a gangster's coin. “There.”
Guneagle smirked. “Groovy. Thanks, Ash.”
The six-armed Gundam groaned.
Guneagle stood up and opened the bottle. “Watch this…”
He dropped the Mentos into the bottle-
SWOOSH! The bubbling brown mass of foam shot out of the bottle eighteen feet into the air, landing back on Guneagle's head. The teenaged roared with laughter.
“Oh, man!” Guneagle tried to talk, but instead dissolved into another laughing fit. Talgeese's eyes bugged.
“That was amazing…”
Guneagle stood before Talgeese, fists clenched in anticipation. “Ash and me are gonna figure out how to make it into a bomb and set it off in the dressing room while the guys are getting ready!”
Talgeese moaned, “Aaaaaah. A little payback on Captain for stealing your girl, eh?”
Guneagle… blinked. He seemed surprised. “Oh. Well, I guess I could do that too.”
The knight launched himself into the ground.
Guneagle shifted his weight to his hip. “Either way, we're not getting anywhere. Ash can't find a way to fix a quick-release onto the bottle.”
Talgeese suggested, “I could use my magic to teleport the Mentos.”
Ashuramaru and Guneagle's heads shot up. Talgeese wrung his hands. “It's personal…”
Zero leaned back in his chair, noticing his Neotopian friend and his melancholy expression. “What's wrong, Captain?”
Captain wiggled in his chair. “Maxine…”
As if on cue, Maxine appeared between Captain and Zero. She gave the Winged Knight a long, probing glance over her shoulder before focusing on Captain. “Here we are again, Cappy-”
“Don't call me that.” Captain's eyes flashed, and his muscles tightened. “Where did you hear that?”
(Zero and Zapper snickered. Cappy?)
“That's what your little human friend calls you, isn't it?” Maxine leaned on his armrest. “I think it's so neat you have a human for a friend. They're so delicate. So…” She shivered a little. “Weak… You have such a fatherly side, Cappy…”
Captain didn't listen for most of it. He was still infuriated that, somehow, Maxine knew Shute and his private name, something only they were supposed to know.
On the other side of the room, though, Guneagle absorbed every word. “Maxine doesn't like humans, huh? Hmm…”
Talgeese elbowed him in the gut. “Shut up! They'll hear us!”
Aneko strolled up and down the chairs, inspecting the other men once she was done with the Daishogun. “Hmph. You know, you guys do not look half bad.”
Zero smiled. “Thank you, m'lady.”
Zapper crossed his shoulders. “Ugh. Coming from a Gundam, that's an insult.”
Captain was still angry. He silently stared at his feet, fists clenched.
“You, for instance,” she said while pointing to Zero. “You are a very pretty man. And you are blue.” She smiled. “Blue is my favorite color. Baku-kun's, too.”
“Is it now?” Zero replied with a tease in his voice.
“Oh, it has always been.”
Zero turned to Captain and whispered, “She is her brother's sister.”
“And…” She pointed to Captain, but he sent her a look that said “NO” in bold, 24-point font, so she shifted to Zapper Zaku. “You!”
Zapper flinched, putting his hand in front of him as if to block the blow. “Huh?”
“You are bold!” Aneko made a fist and held it up. “You are proud! You will not let any obstacles in your way! And…” She hugged her shoulders. “You are round and cuddly.”
Zapper practically exploded. “CUDDLY?! I AM FAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOU BLOATED HORMONE BAG!”
“Bloated hormone bag?!” Aneko growled. “… If I knew what ho-ru-mons were, I would be kicking your ass, but I do not… so…”
She scratched her head. Zapper and his stylist fell flat into the ground.
She finally pointed to Captain. “And you. Cheer up. You won the handsome contest, there is no reason for you to be so mopey.” She poked him in his chest, jarring his stoic head enough for him to look at her. “Cheer up.”
Guneagle nudged Talgeese. “It's time.”
Ashuramaru gave Talgeese a bottle of Diet Coke one by one, and Talgeese magically transported each under the chairs of the four contestants. “Ready?”
Talgeese snapped his fingers.
The men jumped in their chair at the sound of the snap, but were soon screaming and scrambling to get away from the Coca-cola scented jets of foam spraying out from underneath them. Zero tried to fly away, forgetting about the ceiling and promptly smashing straight into it, falling down on top of Maxine. Captain toppled his chair trying to climb over it backwards, landing on the floor. The bottle spun around in circles and sprayed him in the face three times before stopping. The wench screamed as she held up her apron, getting thoroughly soaked in Mentos-flavored Diet Coke. Zapper's stylist bolted out of the nearest door, splattering Coca-foam-a on the carpet as she ran. Daishogun snapped his fan in front of his face to protect his eyes, but, ironically, the bottle closest to him sprayed him directly on… well… the butt. Aneko (the stylist he chose) laughed so hard she fell onto the floor.
Zapper did the only useful thing out of all of them. He pulled out a gun and shot a hole into every bottle, ending the spray prematurely. By the end, everyone was on the floor, shocked, stunned, and a little confused…
Except for Talgeese, Guneagle, and Ashuramaru, who were laughing their heads off.